I miss my sister.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it actually hurts your heart? You can feel the emptiness.  You can feel the hole inside your soul.  And nothing or  no one can replace that which is lost.

 I have.  I miss my sister.

My two sisters  are some of the dearest people I know on this earth.  There is a bond that cannot be broken by the love of a sister.  We share that deep connection that cannot be explained in words.  We all share a deep sense of understanding and acceptance with eachother. We can feel eachother's thoughts and heartaches.  We can hear eachother's  voices and know that she is holding back tears.  We can sense fear, frustration, happiness or sadness...before the words even come out.  We can read eachother's body language, because we have the same language.  My sister's are a huge part of my world! 

I miss my sister.

I have one sister who I do life with.  We eat pizza together.  We let our kids run wild in the backyard mud with bowls and spoons!  We make eachother a cup of coffee and chat about our day.  We train our children together.  We homeschool together.  We discuss parenting, God, and what life lessons we are learning.  We trade kids and help watch eachother's kids, when we want to go on a date with our hubby. We do errands for one another.  We live close enough to do the little stuff that make up life.  We are buddies.  She challenges me.  She encourages me.  She sacrifices for me.  She takes care of me.  She listens to me.  She celebrates with me.  She is a best friend.

I love my younger sister.

I have another sister who brings tears to my eyes, as I write about her.  (Because I miss her like crazy!) She is thousands of miles away.   She is in another time zone.   It feels as though she is on another planet.  She lives deep in the heart of the amazon jungle of Peru.  She is a missionary there with her husband and four small children.  She has sacrificed the comforts of the USA, in order to live with the tribes and share the love of Jesus.  She has been gone nearly two years now.  We have skyped only a couple times.  We e-mail eachother a few times a month.  I think about her everyday.  I pray for her everyday.  When I climb into my new SUV and turn my seats on "warm"....I think about my sister.  I feel horrible that I am seating on leather seats with the warmer on and she is getting sea-sick on a long boat ride down the amazon river. When I microwave my kids dinner leftovers, I wonder what animal her husband shot and brought home for her to chop up and lay of the firewood to feed the tribes.  When I take a hot shower, I think of how my sister bathes in the river with creepy creatures swimming by.  When I fold fresh "Tide" laundry, I think of my sister hanging clothes on a wire across the hut, in the rainy season of the jungle this time of year.  I cannot express how it feels on the inside to have a sister so far away...living life so differently. I feel guilty of the pleasures I have in Southern California.  There are some days I simply cannot enjoy my turkery sandwich, because I know my sister is out there trying to start a fire with rain-soaked-wood!  My life here is so easy. 
But what is not so easy... is missing my sister and her family.

I miss the simple stuff.  I miss going to dollar day at the thrift store together.  I miss swimming in the pool in her backyard with all our kids.  I miss hearing her play piano and sing.  I miss sitting on her couch and smelling the vanilla soy candles.  I miss our drive-thru adventures at Bakers getting an ice-cream cherry shake.  I miss hearing her advice about how to handle my tough little boy.  I miss baking chocolate chip cookies and eating them fresh out of the oven.  I miss seeing my kids play "Little House on The Prarie" with their cousins.  I miss Christmas at her house.  I miss her white roses at the front porch.  I miss her green grass and big tree in the front yard.  I miss our sleepovers and late night talks.  I miss calling her at any time of day.  I miss sitting in the sunshine, sipping her famous Lipton tea.  I miss our memories.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it actually hurts your heart? You can feel the emptiness.  You can feel the hole inside your soul.  And nothing or  no one can replace that which is lost.

 I have.  I miss my sister.

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms..."

Have you ever heard the song that goes like this," Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms..."  Well,  I am not sure if that is a "real song" or a "made-up" song by my siblings and myself.  But I do remember singing that song many times in my childhood!  Whenever I was pouting, sitting in the feeble position and crying about having no friends...my sisters would sing that song to me.  And I would sing that song to my sisters, if they acted the same.  (Aren't siblings so nice to each other!)

I remember starting to feel myself slip into that very harsh and almost un-escapable emotion of loneliness when I was 19 years old.  I was a newly-wed, married to a wonderful, tender-loving man.  He bent over backwards for me.  He would sacrifice anything, just to make me happy. But while he was a student at a nuclear power plant, working insane hours each week...I was home alone, desperate for a girl-friend who I could hangout with, talk to, shop with, go to coffee with.  I just wanted someone to be my buddy, while my husband was working.  I lived in a new state, experiencing culture shock.  My closest family members lived 2,000 miles away.  I loved being married and embarking on a new adventure...but I was hungry for a friend also.  Each day that passed without a friend (other than my husband of course) grew dimmer.  I was slowly falling into that emotional pit of worms.

It sure is amazing how the feeling of loneliness can effect us in this world of millions of people.  Dwelling of the feeling of loneliness basically robs us of anything good.  We become so inward focused.  We lose our sight.  We suffer silently, waiting for someone to notice us.  Waiting for someone to rescue us from the depths of despair.  We become depressed and start believing the lies of our mind.  We start to believe that we are stupid, worthless individuals; who have no purpose and reason for living.  The hole we choose to live in grows deeper, darker and colder.  We become consumed in our false-reality that we allow ourselves to be in.  We replay the song over and over again..."nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms..."  The worms represent feeding our brain the brutally sad, un-healthy, extremely negative, damaging emotions of SELF-PITY!!!  We become so needy for someone to love and accept us and reach out to us, that all we can think about is belonging somewhere and to someone.  We become addicted to the emotion of  feeling un-love able, un-appreciated, un-welcomed and un-attractive.  The sad truth is that while we do that...  we actually become un-reachable!

After many months of loneliness in New York, at the young age of 19, something clicked for me.  It was a freezing cold, gloomy, excessively snowy day.  I sat alone in my ice-covered, silver, CA license plate Saturn, waiting for my cute husband in the parking lot of his work.  It was no different than any other day.  I was used to picking him up from work everyday in the evening.  In fact, all of us one-vehicle families and/or young Navy wives sat and waited in the car  for their husbands at the end of a work day.  It was routine for me.  But this day...I had enough sulking in my loneliness.  I was so sick of having no friends!!!  I was desperate for female conversation!  So I did the un-thinkable!  I stepped out of my warm, cozy car and knocked on a thin layer of ice that lay upon a car window parked next to me.  She rolled down the window timidly.  She had long brown hair, dark brown eyes, a fair complexion, an unsure smile and an adorable baby girl in the backseat.  I boldy asked a question that I had never asked anyone before, "Will you be my friend"?  Then quickly after opening my big, fat mouth, I felt like running back to my car and driving away!  I thought to myself, "How stupid can I be"? 

Within seconds... she burst out laughing and replied, "YES!!! Will you be my friend too"? 

That was the start of a beautiful friendship and the end of our eating worms!  That girlfriend was in the same boat I was in.  She was lonely.  She was in a desperate place of needing friends, encouragement and support. If I would have never bravely knocked on her window...we both would have missed out on so many wonderful memories together!  She was just who I needed to help pull me out of despair.  There was nothing magical about her.  She was just a girl who needed a friend.  And I was just a girl who took a leap of faith and asked the silly, ackward question," Will you be my friend"?

I tell this story because I know there is someone out there right now... lonely.  Desperate to talk.  Hungry for the love of a true friend.  If you are that person, please put the spoon down, stop shoveling worms in your mouth!  Step out in faith and be the friend to someone that you desire.  Good friends are hard to find, but they are almost impossible to find... if you insist that they make the first move!

"Dear friends, we must love each other because love comes from God.

 Everyone who loves has been born from God and knows God."

1 John 4:7

Charlie The Fish and "I QUIT"!

All of us that walk the road of life have something in common.  It seems there comes a time when all we can muster up to say is, "I QUIT"!  I have a strong feeling that as you read those two words, something or someone comes to mind. 

Today, as I sat at the kitchen table teaching math with my distracted kindergartner, something strange happened.   With a loud, frightened shout from my math student I heard, "MOM>>MOM>>>MOM>>> Charlie...look at Charlie! He is trapped and dying...help him"!!!  Our electric blue, Beta fish named, "Charlie" was upside down, stuck underneath a rock... dying. I quickly moved the decorative rock and he was set free.  Charlie swam up to the top of the bowl in relief! 

Now that is just one of the many "Charlie" stories.   He used to be my mom's fish for her school classroom.  Her students found him lying on the carpet one day.  My mom picked up his dry, scaly body and put him back into the bowl for the time being (thinking he was dead).  Within a few seconds, he was swimming around like new.  Who knew how long he was laying on the floor? ....Or the time Charlie found a  home with my sister and her four small children, sticking random objects into his bowl.   My sister confessed to the neglect of poor Charlie.  He went for days and sometimes even weeks, without being feed or having his water changed.   So we decided to adopt him.  But, I have to say...our family was not any better! Charlie has had many salted peanuts dumped into his bowl and been chased countless times by little fingers.

This fish is simply unstoppable!  He should have died 100 times already. The amazing thing about Charlie is that he always finds a way to survive!  That little fish is a fighter!  It is in his cold-blooded body to fight and win!  Although his flowing fins are limp and his bright blue is now a grayish-blue...he keeps going! 

If only we could all be more like Charlie, instead of saying,"I QUIT".

This week, in the quietness of my heart and world around me, this is what I have witnessed...
A few days ago, there stood a 300+ pound African-American woman in the gym locker room. She was desperately trying to put her shoes on.  It was a very difficult task for her, as she couldn't lean forward very well.  By the look on her face, she was saying,"I quit".  But she persevered.  She kept pulling those shoe laces and squeezing her foot in.  She did it!  She keeps coming back to the gym, doing the same frustrating routine.  Facing the same starring eyes of those "more fit" around her. She is fighting to save her health and life.  It is not easy to be in the crowds, get in a swim suit for the water fitness class and workout at her weight...but she's facing her giant called, "fear". 

She is a fighter.  She is like "Charlie".  She will not say ,"I QUIT"!

And then there is the mom who is at her last straw with raising small children.  She is tired of cleaning what is undone a few minutes later.  She is frustrated at saying "no" over and over to a toddler misbehaving.  She is worn-out, overwhelmed and sleep deprived. By the look on her face, she was saying,"I quit". The laundry piles up, the kids are fighting and she can't seem to hold it together another second.  But somehow she searches deep within and by God's strength, she tucks her children in bed, reads them a story and kisses their forheads' goodnight.  With love in her eyes and a smile in her heart, she does it again the next day.

She is a fighter.  She is like "Charlie".  She will not say ,"I QUIT"!

What about the hardworking father, who is running on four or five hours of sleep, waking up before the sun arises to pour a cup of coffee?!  He grabs his bag and rushes out the door just in time for morning traffic, as he drives 60-90 minutes to work. He "sucks it up", humbles himself and deals with a stressful work place, annoying co-workers, an unsatisfied boss and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. By the look on his face, he was saying,"I quit". After an exhausting-full-work day, he walks through the door to his home in the late evening, hugs his kids, greets his wife with a kiss.   The next morning he wakes up and does it over and over again for the rest of his life.  All the while.... he never complains.  He is a family man, who provides safety and security and loves endlessly.

He is a fighter.  He is like "Charlie".  He will not say ,"I QUIT"!

And then somewhere in the world right now...There are people who have really said those two famous last words.  "I QUIT".  They have quit on themselves, on God, on their families, on their friends.  They are not fighting.  They are not like "Charlie".  They are trapped, stuck under the rock.  Or they have jumped out of the fish bowl, lying on the floor ...dying. Today,  there is a baby aborted from a teenager who quit her pregnancy.  A teenager who quit on life and committed suicide. A child placed in foster care; from parents who "quit".  A man drinking himself into a coma.  A wife sleeping around and quitting on her husband.  A father abusing a mother.  A husband and wife divorcing and quitting on the unity of marriage.  A girl starving herself to death.   Gangs shooting other gangs. Somewhere... all around us... are "quitters". 

But God has not quit on the "quitters".  God is forgiving.  God is understanding.  God is all-knowing.  God is everywhere at once.  God will lift up that rock and bring "quitters" to safety.  God will put "quitters" back in the fish bowl... if only they would let HIM. 

It is God who makes us a fighter.  It is God who makes us like "Charlie". 

It is God who keeps us from saying, "I QUIT".